Building a custom home with your spouse can feel like navigating a minefield of conflicting priorities and different ideas about the budget, which can lead to some pretty heated discussions about whether or not certain features are really worth the splurge.
But here’s the good news … it does NOT have to be this way. If my husband and I survived building a home together, anyone can!
Learn the simple strategy that helped me get along great with my husband throughout our build and has helped my clients build their dream homes without the drama.
Listen to this episode or read the full transcript below.
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Nervous about blowing your budget while building? Grab a seat in my FREE on-demand class, ‘The 3 Most Expensive Home Building Mistakes (And How to Avoid Them!)’.
Below is the full podcast episode transcript:
Building a Custom Home With Your Spouse
Welcome to the Before You Build podcast. I’m your host Carrie Barker (aka Caroline On Design), and today in episode 91, I’m sharing the secret to building a custom home with your spouse … without killing each other.
(Obviously, I’m being cheeky here … you aren’t really going to kill each other, but you might get a *little* frustrated and annoyed with each other at times, and that is normal.)
I have several podcast listeners and BEFORE YOU BUILD℠ clients who are nervous that going through a home build will put stress on their marriage. They’re afraid they’ll argue with their spouse and won’t be able to compromise. I’ve even heard people say they fear that building together will lead to a divorce.
Believe me … these fears are 100% valid because you’re taking on an enormous project and making hundreds of very expensive, and somewhat permanent decisions, with your spouse. And, naturally, you won’t agree on everything.
Building a custom home with your spouse can indeed feel like navigating a minefield of conflicting priorities and different ideas about the budget, which can lead to some pretty heated discussions about whether or not certain features are really worth the splurge.
But here’s the good news … it does NOT have to be this way. If my husband and I survived building a home together, anyone can!
Building does NOT have to be hard on your marriage. I promise. We hear horror stories about couples fighting, but honestly, I don’t see this as an issue with any of my BEFORE YOU BUILD℠ clients.
Maybe they’re just not telling me, but my couples (for lack of a better word) seem to be thriving during their builds. I love when both of the husband and wife are on the call and I get to see their interactions.
After going through a custom build myself and helping hundreds of couples plan their custom homes, I’ve discovered the secret to building together without all the stress and arguments. And that’s exactly what we’re diving into today.
Why Building Together Feels So Hard
Alright, let’s start with why the home build process feels so overwhelming for couples, because once you understand why it’s hard, the solution makes so much more sense.
First off, you’re making hundreds of decisions together. And I’m not talking about easy decisions like ‘should we have pizza for dinner?’ or ‘should we take the dog for a walk?’
I’m talking about permanent, expensive decisions that will affect your daily life.
Decisions like … where should the windows go? What kind of flooring should we do? How big should the kitchen island be? Should we do a walk-in shower or a tub? Is it worth the splurge to add stone to the exterior? What can we comfortably afford? And so on.
Every single one of these decisions is fairly permanent and costs money … a lot of it.
And here’s where it gets tricky … you both likely have completely different priorities. And neither of you is wrong. You might be dreaming about a gorgeous, huge walk-in pantry while your spouse just wants an oversized garage with tons of room for tools.
One of you might be thinking about the aesthetic details, while the other is thinking about the functional (kinda boring) stuff.
The stakes feel really high when you’re building because this isn’t just any purchase … it’s probably the biggest investment you’ll ever make together, and every choice feels so permanent.
Not to mention, you’re both probably feeling overwhelmed, and when you’re stressed and uncertain, it’s so easy to dig in your heels about the things that matter to you.
This is normal and happens to all of us.
The Must-Have Strategy That Changes Everything
But here’s what I learned by going through my own build, and what I now teach every couple I work with.
It’s really simple.
Each of you gets to choose a few absolute must-haves, and you both agree to respect and honor those priorities.
That’s it. Simple, right?!
Let me tell you how this looked in my own home build experience.
One of my absolute must-haves was gorgeous trim work throughout our entire house. I wanted beautiful baseboards, extensive crown molding, and detailed millwork to make our house feel very custom and high-end. This was a non-negotiable for me.
My husband, on the other hand, had more functional must-haves. He wanted surround sound, extra insulation, and an oversized garage. Basically, all the “boring” stuff that I really don’t care about (to be honest).
Now, did I understand why he needed surround sound in every single room? No … I didn’t. Did he care about custom trim work and find it necessary? Not at all.
But here’s the thing … we honored each other’s must-haves anyway.
And you know what? It worked. Our house feels like us because we both got the things that mattered most to each of us.
How to Make This Work for You
So, how do you implement this with your spouse? Let me quickly walk you through it.
Step one: Have the conversation early
Don’t wait until you’re at the design center choosing finishes to realize that you have completely different priorities. Sit down before you make a single decision and talk about what matters most to each of you.
Step two: Each of you should choose two to three absolute must-haves
Don’t make this a free-for-all where everything becomes a “must-have.” Pick the things that are truly non-negotiable for you.
Step three: Budget for both sets of priorities
This is crucial, you guys. If you don’t plan for both of your must-haves in your budget, someone’s going to end up disappointed. It might be that you don’t get all three of your must-haves due to budget, but keep it fair so that each of you is getting the same amount of must-haves.
Step four: Respect your spouse’s choices
Respect your spouse’s choices, even if you don’t understand them or care about them. This is honestly the hardest part, but it’s also the most important thing. You don’t have to understand why your spouse wants something … you just have to respect that it matters to them.
Nervous about blowing your budget while building? Grab a seat in my FREE on-demand class, ‘The 3 Most Expensive Home Building Mistakes (And How to Avoid Them!)’.
Real Examples from My Clients
Let me give you some examples of how this looked with different couples I’ve worked with inside BEFORE YOU BUILD℠ .
I had one couple where her must-have was a gorgeous primary bathroom with a freestanding tub. Her husband’s must-have was a workshop space in the basement. Neither cared about the other’s priority, but they made room in the budget and included both of these in their floor plan.
Another couple … she wanted custom built-ins throughout the house. He wanted a whole-house generator and a high-end HVAC system. Again, totally different priorities, but they respected each other’s vision.
I’ve also seen this work when one spouse’s must-have was an open-concept kitchen perfect for entertaining, and the other spouse just wanted a dedicated home office with built-in storage. Both got what they wanted because they planned for it from the beginning, so both priorities were built into the budget.
So … do you notice a pattern here?
In every single case, the couples had completely different priorities. But because they identified those priorities early and agreed to respect them, they avoided the arguments and resentment that derail so many builds.
Common Categories to Think About
So you might be thinking, “Okay, this sounds great, but how do we figure out our must-haves?”
Well, here are some categories that couples tend to prioritize differently.
There are aesthetic features … things like trim work, lighting fixtures, flooring, paint colors, and exterior materials. And there are functional systems … things like HVAC, plumbing, electrical, smart home technology, and security systems.
You might have specific rooms that are super important to you like your kitchen layout, primary suite, home office, and mudroom design. Or maybe storage solutions are more important to you … like walk-in closets, pantry space, garage organization, and built-ins.
Some people care more about outdoor features like a covered patio, screened-in porch, landscaping, or an outdoor kitchen. While others are thinking about future-proofing their home for aging in place or a growing family or energy efficiency over time.
The key is figuring out what matters most to each of you.
When You Want the Same Thing Differently
Now, sometimes you’ll agree on what matters but disagree on the execution. Like, you both want a beautiful kitchen, but you have totally different ideas about what that looks like.
When this happens, I recommend finding the common ground first. What do you both agree on about this space? Maybe you both want it to be functional for cooking and open for entertaining.
Then identify the specific differences. Is it about the color scheme? The layout? The budget? Get really specific about where you differ in opinion.
You can also take turns being the decision-maker. If you can’t agree on a feature, alternate who gets to make the final call on different elements.
And sometimes, honestly, your budget just makes the decision for you. And that’s okay, too.
What You Can Compromise On
While you each get your absolute must-haves, everything else is fair game for compromise.
This might be paint colors throughout most of the house, standard fixtures and finishes, room layouts that aren’t deal-breakers for either of you, landscaping choices, and decorating decisions.
The key is distinguishing between your true must-haves and your “would be nice to haves”.
Because let’s be real … everything can’t be a must-have, or you will most likely blow your budget.
Why This Actually Works
So why does this strategy work so well?
First, it eliminates the need to fight about everything (which is GREAT!).
When you know you’re both getting your most important priorities, it’s so much easier to be flexible about everything else.
It also feels fair. Neither person has to sacrifice all of their vision for the other person’s preferences.
It builds teamwork instead of competition. You’re working together to make sure you both get what matters most, rather than fighting over every single decision.
And it creates a home that feels like both of you. Your house will have elements that reflect both of your personalities and priorities.
Making It Work Financially
Now, keep in mind … all of this compromising assumes that you can afford both sets of must-haves.
Here are some tips for making it work financially.
Plan for them from the beginning
Don’t treat must-haves as “upgrades” … build them into your base budget.
Be willing to save money elsewhere
If your spouse’s must-have is expensive, look for places where you can use more basic finishes to balance the budget.
Consider timing
Some must-haves need to happen during construction. Others can wait until after you move in.
Get creative with solutions
Sometimes there’s a way to get what you both want for less money than you initially thought.
When You Can’t Afford Everything
If your combined must-haves do exceed your budget, don’t panic because you have options.
First, revisit your priorities
Are these truly must-haves, or are some of them just strong preferences? Are there other features in your home that you can cut and save for later?
You can also phase the project
Build the house with some must-haves now and plan to add others later. We did this with our basement. We waited to finish it until we had saved money after moving into our home.
Find creative alternatives
Maybe there’s a way to get eighty percent of what you want for fifty percent of the cost. Maybe you can do some of the labor yourself, for example.
Or, if these things are truly non-negotiable, you might need to increase your budget. And that’s okay, too.
The Bottom Line
The key to compromising (and staying close to budget) is to discuss this EARLY in the planning phase, BEFORE you create your floor plan
Building a custom home with your spouse doesn’t have to be a relationship test. When you use this must-have strategy, you’re setting yourself up for success from the very beginning.
Remember this … you don’t have to agree on everything. You just have to respect what matters most to each other.
So when you’re ready, sit down with your spouse and have that conversation about each other’s absolute must-haves and how you can fit both sets of priorities in your budget and your plan.
Trust me … your future selves and your marriage will thank you.
Next Steps
Alright, that’s it for today’s episode! I hope this helps you feel better about building a custom home with your spouse. You’ll do great!
If you found this episode helpful, I’d love for you to share it with any friends who are building or thinking about building. And if you haven’t already done so, make sure to grab my FREE Custom Home Build Start Guide and learn my simple 4-step framework to build a home you LOVE with clarity and confidence.
Thanks so much for listening, and I’ll talk to you soon!
